---
layout: post
title: Thoughts on feeling "useful"
date: 2026-06-16 18:16 +0200
categories: life
---

I don't have a lot of self-confidence.

I struggled with my job in the past, and do so still, because
*I don't do anything "useful" with it* - Basically, I just write
code so my company can earn money by selling products. The products
don't "help humanity as a whole".

I like to help out at furry conventions.
I also always volunteer as an election worker. [^1]

[^1]: Currently, I write the protocols, fill out the forms with the vote counts, etc.

These activities make me happy. Because I do something "valuable".
Also because I enjoy the company there.

A few days ago, a thought occurred to me, though.
That it might be a bit… dangerous to get *all* my self-esteem from these
activities. Like, *I'm only "worth something" if I do these
activities*. This is a pretty fucked-up thought. I was like
*Where did that come from?*

Like I said, I don't have a lot of self-confidence.

*Rationally*, I know this is bullshit. I am… me/myself?
People aren't, shouldn't be!, defined solely by "their usefulness to society".
I met a lot of people in the past that certainly weren't in a hurry to get away from me.
So, why do I struggle with that?

It probably doesn't help that I don't meet/talk to/do activities with
other people regularly. I think I need to work on that with more.
I've been feeling pretty good recently, though, looking forward to a furmeet and a
convention.

That's basically it, already, just wanted to write this down, share my reflections.